The Hand That I Got Dealt / 2000

alone and walking
through this stormy night
searching for your hand
so that I can hold it tight
as soon as I have found you
it seems you always disappear
but I always end up finding you
at least once every year
now once again I’ve found you
and I’m trying to hold on
scared that I might lose you
when the night turns into dawn
the night has now been broken
it’s dawn and still I hold you close
but someone tries to hold me back
from the one that I have chose
I’m so frightened to stand up
for what I know is right for me
I’m just looking for an easy way
to make that someone see
that I know I don’t know everything
but I know how to follow my heart
and even if this is a mistake
it won’t need help tearing me apart
there are many things that feel so wrong
but some wrongs make a right
why can’t she just open up her eyes
and catch a small glimpse of the light
that surrounds me with laughs and smiles
and feelings that should often be felt
instead of trying to shuffle back
the hand that I got dealt

Frozen / 2000

clouded, icy memories
of you in my dreams
haunting me and laughing
as my tears fill up the seas
mocking me and pointing
driving me insane
desperately searching
for a way to kill the pain
swelling starting in my heart
as love fills up the hole
following the river
that once flowed through my soul
smiles mixing in with tears
no emotions fit
everything just crying out
a candle yearning to be lit

Secret Fantasy / 2000

the moonlight glints across your eyes
my tears have stained your cheeks
your lips have stolen so much from me
your love has made my heart leak

Forbidden / 2000

mesmerized
infatuated
by the very thought of you

softly, sweetly
whispering
what I feel for you
is truth

please don’t go
don’t run away
I need you so much
tell me you’ll stay

speak to me
say you’ll take me
take me and my heart
which shouts your name with every beat

swallowing
engulfing
passion fills my soul

waiting
pleading for you
to listen
so that you will finally know

Emotion / 2000

I can’t forget
although I try
it takes all my strength
not to cry

what happened between us
was meant to be
why can’t we be more
than just you and me

I know you’re scared
and so am I
but we’ll never get anywhere
unless we try

it hurts too much
to let you go
why did I let
my feelings show

and let you know
how special you are
that you alone
are my shining star

I know this isn’t
a one way street
you showed me that
when our lips did meet

and now that we’ve
performed this task
there’s one question
I must ask

why don’t you feel
the way I do

why have I fallen
in love
with you

Silence / 2000

Silence sitting so quietly
an emotion so often unheard
feelings locked inside a frightened heart
scared to break free and see the world

pounding on the locked door
soft at first, but growing fierce
screams, kicks, and a sobbing soul
desperately trying to escape the prison

thousands of keys but no hole to unlock
doorways glued to hinges and corners
glued tightly
trapping love, joy and complete self worth
keeping them out of the light
unseen in the darkness

the kicks stop
the screams halt
the pounding ceases to exist

Silence escaped through the window
no longer is she unheard
free to tell tales of locked rooms
inside a once frightened soul

Set Me Free / 2000

locked is the room inside my heart
you’ve been there far too long
controlling the beats that sound for you
blocking the entrance to my soul

while I just sit here
outside the closed door
waiting for the day it will open
and I will get through

I will enter your hopes and dreams
pass your fears and worries
into the vault in the back of your mind
where you hide your most secret fantasies

don’t worry
             I won’t tell
                   you’ve meant too much
                                                        to me

please will you exit my heart
no longer torture my mind
this world won’t keep me
thinking only of you

I beg you, go for good this time
fail to ever return
block my entrance from your mind
set my bleeding heart free

Love Isn’t Always Enough / 2000

struggling on the tip of my tongue
are the words I need to say
I’ve tried so hard to keep them in
but it’s the only way

I love you more than anything
but love isn’t always enough
I forever want to be with you
but the relationship is too much

I care about you, you care about me
the only commonness we share
but what good is our relationship
without tender, loving care

I want us to sty together
but I don’t know if it would work
I piss you off, and now it seems
you’re acting like a jerk

maybe we could settle this
and hopefully work things out
then I know we could stay together
and love each other, no doubt

Missing You / 2000

staring at the moon at night
missing you again
wishing upon every star
that once more you’ll take my hand

everything reminds me
of the happy times we shared
I wish I would have shown you
just how much I cared

I know that it is not my fault
and your feelings have just changed
although we are no longer together
my feelings have stayed the same

I want us to make more memories
and hold each other tight
to always be together
and never, ever fight

I care for you so very much
and it’s hurting me so bad
I don’t quite know what I mean to you
but you were the best guy I ever had

I guess the point I’m trying to make
is that now I know it’s true
no matter how much you doubt it
I… love… you.

Nothing Better Than This / 1999

when I look in your eyes I see it
and I when I kiss your lips it’s there
I feel it in the way you touch me
and I sense it in the way that you care

when I need to talk, you listen
you dry my tears each time I cry
I get your hugs when I need them
with you I feel I could fly

I love the twinkle your eye gets
and the way you smile when I’m around
you make me feel as though I’m floating
simply walking on a cloud

although I’ve never been happier
I still cry tears, I know
but it seems no matter my problem
with you my tears don’t show

you let me know I’m special
even when I’ve been mean
you let me know you love me
and you treat me like a queen

sometimes at night I wonder
why with me you stick
when I look around at other girls
I see many better picks

but when I go to you with the question
of why it’s me you chose
you tell me It’s your soul I love
not your body, your hair, or your nose

yeah, those other girls are hot
but they’re nothing compared to you
you’re my beautiful angel. you’ll never know
how much I’ll always love you

love, you are so special
you’re all I want and more
and I want you to remember always
I love you too, for sure

you’ll see it when you look in my eyes
and you’ll taste it each time we kiss
you’ll feel it every time we touch
there’s nothing better than this

Promises / 1999

I called out your name
you reached out your hand
you promised you’d always be there
you’d always help me stand

so where are you now
that life’s getting tough
doesn’t 'always' mean
even when it’s rough

I understand you’ve felt my pain
but may I ask you why
you’ve left me here when I needed you most
where can I go to cry

the wind has blown, the seasons have changed
and people say time flies
well whatever happened to the good old saying
these are the golden years of life

my gold has changed to a different color
rusty and full of hate
I need you to be here ‘always’ now
before time grows too late

I understand you’re busy now
you’re always out on the town
but I really need my best friend here
the one who promised to always be around

well hard times come and then they go
you say it’ll only get better
but you’ll see, this time it won’t
as I finish writing this letter

now, I understand this hurts you too
and I’m not the only one who suffers
but please understand, like I understand you
my life just keeps getting tougher

I can see the tears crawling out of your eyes
as you look out the window pane
but if you listen, you’ll hear my voice
in every light Spring rain

the years have grown much darker now
but some things always stay the same
I promise you’ll always be my best friend
that my love for you never will change

Nothing Left / 1999

the phone rings, I pick it up
you scream Dear God, help me!
but when I arrived
you were dead already

never had I seen so many bruises
on one single persons face
and I’m gonna kill that guy
who took you out of this place

you didn’t tell me, I never knew
what could make him do this?
how could one man
beat you to death?

no one would admit it
well, why the hell not?
maybe something could have been done
about these arguments that got heated to hot

I loved you so much
and I miss you so bad
that stupid dick
took all I had

so now I’m letting tears
go running down my face
and I hope someone chokes him
with a piece of wire lace

now I’m sitting in prison
with the biggest smile ever worn
although I’m more satisfied than ever
my heart will forever be torn

he took your life
so I took his
if life is but a journey
please let there be better ones than this

next week I’m getting the chair
since now I’m on death row
and to think none of this would have happened
had that jerk just left you alone

Forever / 1999

I took your love for granted
how could I have been so blind
you gave me all I ever wanted
a love with an unbreakable bind

I never paid attention
to what love meant to me
but what I see when I look at love now
is you + me = eternity

I’ve been taught love lasts forever
that it never fades away
I know my love for you is eternal
we’ll be together again someday

it’s said that the first love is the hardest to lose
I know now that is true
but the only thing I know for certain
is I’m still in love with you

I know I’ve made some big mistakes
I’m sorry, though it’s hard to believe
and though I know it’s hard for you
your forgiveness is all I want to achieve

I’m not asking for your love
give it to someone who’s deserving
all I want is for you to believe
I’m sorry I’ve been so discerning

I want you to know I love you
with all of my soul and heart
and I know that if we’re meant to be
our love no longer will drift apart

remember over the years to come
my love for you won’t die
and if you ever look at my face again
you’ll see it in my eyes

Cursed / 1999

looking at the world
through a square of glass in a wall

searching in my soul
to find any reason at all
for the despair, the hate, the agony
and what I could have done
to feel the undesirable pain

am I the only one?

the bubbles in my stomach
popping, uncontrolled

pick myself up off the floor
off my pedestal I’ve rolled

stuck in a box
with no way out
in my favorite corner
my mind begins to pout

searching for an answer
a cause for the emptiness

sorry I inform myself
I’ve failed life’s little test

Trapped / 1999

I am trapped inside a world
of pain that no one sees
where no one knows the reasons
for the tears and broken dreams

luckily there are the few
with the power to make things right
but even they can’t stop the pain
that haunts me in the night

and though I know they try to see
I fear they never will
and I’ll forever be burning
in this frightening pit of hell

Daydream / 1998

my brain is on fire with heartbreak and desire

my soul crumbles as love’s secret reveals its truth

my body shatters as the pain and confusion
collapse into puddles of loneliness

but yet in the stillness someone takes a step forward

I run in panic as the people stop and stare

I scream so loud and still no one hears it but me

I’m trapped alone in a world of confusion
but I am still being followed

I continue to run faster and faster
until I fall and someone catches me

I take a breath and lay down
as the tears fall softly

I then wake up feeling just fine
but there is still a child crying inside of me

Love / 1998

love
the word
strikes me
like the sting
of a bee.

so intimidated
by the power
of the message
the sweetness
of the voice
whispers
to me.

the night
is cold.

it warms me
to know
the love
is here
close by
my side

December Frost / 1998

like December frost
my thoughts are lost
into the sea
of broken dreams
where tears exist
alone in the mist
and the crying stops
in floods of your thoughts
the mountain rain
is falling again
and a darkening cloud
is screaming so loud
into the sea
of broken dreams
where my thoughts get lost
like a light winter frost

Reaching Out / 1998

she remains calm as he hits her once more
she starts to sob as she falls to the floor
you run to embrace her
but it’s so hard to face her
as her eyes fill with fear

when the bruises appear
you pick up the phone to dial for help
she screams out “no”
she blames herself
she buries her head and starts to cry

you’re feeling bad
you don’t know how or why
he can just grab his coat and walk out the door
while she sobs in the corner not wanting more

she then grabs a razor and starts to cut
all that abuse makes her feel like a slut

you wish you could help but don’t know how
you remember what happened and think “oh wow”

then he comes back in and you jump with alarm
as he kisses her cheek and sees the blood on her arm
it angers him and his eyes glow with fire
she winces at him as his fist gets tighter

she then slouches down, holding her cheek
thinking again it’s her fault she’s beat

you run to embrace
but she just holds her face
and the tears fall down as she lands on the floor
saying but nothing and getting beat once more